By Justin Nguyen, BY
What is my family line? Well it’s a very good line, a nice linear one, because as far as I
can tell, it’s had no branch points. Just no-nonsense, one big gets one little and so on and so on
for eternity maybe. While I do not have access to the Psi family tree to verify my bold claims
regarding the line-like nature of my line, my knowledge of the line begins with my great-grandbig, Caitlyn Thompson, followed by my grandbig, Jordan Tinker, and then my big, Andy Hsu, followed by me, and then my little, Ethan Cai, and his little, Lex Toledo. Notice, that like my sentence, my line is quite linear.
Technically, we are part of the larger entity known as Effleurage. But, as part of the
unofficially titled “Left Side” of Effleurage, our connection to Effleurage is distant. As a result,
we are but a small, humble line, doing the honest work of staying alive, but we got some spunk.
In my time in chapter, Jordan has demonstrated himself to be a paragon of tasteful sass, Andy a
wonderful role model and master of Texas Instrument calculators, me doing whatever I’m doing,
Ethan enabling and contributing to ridiculous antics, and Lex presumably still figuring out if she
should be frightened or not.
However, despite being a solid family line, we do not yet have a name to align ourselves
under. Thus, as the elder active of this line, I deem us to be “Driftwood,” due to this massive
piece of driftwood we have permanently borrowed from the sandy dunes of this year’s
BeachHaus. It is a massive, club-like chunk of wood that is great for both offense and defense,
and I think, is a great symbol of the wonderful weirdness of our line. Little do future descendants
of this line know that they will literally be knighted with this giant piece of driftwood during
degrees (or at least I think that is the plan).
So now you know a little more about “Driftwood.” What’s the moral of this story?
Branches are lame. A nice, smooth piece of driftwood is just so much more aerodynamic. Thank
you for reading my rant. Have a wonderful day!